1 John 1:9
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
One of the guys that lived in the apartment complex I lived in started flirting with me. I considered him for all of two minutes. He was broke all the time, obviously uneducated, and drunk all the time, and didn’t know what a real date was, leaving me to believe he was only after sex. There was no way I was gonna give in to that. I was far from desperate. My days of “settling” just to “have” were over. I was learning how well and how eager God was to provide.
I soon got in touch with an old flame, and he asked me if he could take me to dinner one night. I said, “Sure, that sounds great!” I was excited about being able speak to him after over a decade of lost communication with him.
We went to a restaurant that I had never been to, and I know I talked his ears off about how everything seemed to be working out for me as of late. We were two old friends playing catch up.
Then, as he got on the road to take me home, he asked me the dreaded question, “Would you like to come to my place?”
I took a deep breath, and against my better judgment, I said, “Sure, why not.”
Why, oh why, had I done that? After the last two months of finding myself so happy in a relationship with the Father that I had never really had before, and now I did what was so blatantly against all my Father wanted for me…
I felt as if my greatest weakness has been discovered and uncovered.
We went back to his place, and everything was clumsy and wrong. I knew it, and he knew it, and I knew my Father knew it. I felt as if God were a peeping Tom, watching my every move through the window.
When I returned home that night, I felt ashamed. My first reaction was to sweep it under the rug and act as if it didn’t happen. Later, I felt even more ashamed, and distant from the Father, which made me feel even more angry at myself because I knew why, and had no one to blame but myself.
And, it didn’t help that God was still blessing me from afar, though I didn’t deserve it.
Then I heard the small, still voice of the Lord speaking to my heart:
Romans 5:8
“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
I dropped to my knees, and through my tears I told the Lord I was so sorry, and I begged Him to help me have the strength not to let it happen again. Nothing on earth I could go through was worth getting between me and the love of my Father in Heaven.
I spent the next several months doing and saying all the right things, but inside I was having to carefully rebuild the relationship I had with my Holy Father, and I waited for the feel of arms around me once again. I knew that I had done wrong, and I knew that I deserved the test that He was putting me through because of it.
It was a test that I was determined to pass from then on.
It would have been so easy to keep it swept under the rug and ignore the guilt, admitting the impossibility of being perfect. However, guilt that is ignored, as I have learned, was still there to look at, blocking the refreshing relationship that I had come to enjoy with my Saviour. I didn’t want it there, and, in my mind, I had to make sure God knew I had truly repented.
Then, one day, I found a video from Matthew C. Butler, the pastor of my church, as if it had just appeared out of nowhere. It was a song he wrote, and a video he created to go with it. It was called, “He Took My Nails”. It was God speaking to me, loud and clear…
“Shonda, I knew you weren’t going to be perfect when I chose you. I love you, anyway. All I have done for you, I did it in spite of who you aren’t. I did it with the knowledge of who you are going to be. I love you, anyway.”
As I watched that video, I felt God’s arms around me once again. There, alone, in my apartment, I raised my hands, and through my tears, I praised Him!
It was quite a while later, when I least expected it, when my friend let me know he was going to be available to see me again for another possible date through a private social media message. I responded to his message saying that I was not available for the visit, but I appreciated his notice and to keep in touch.
I realized, at that point, that God’s strength was enough to sustain me, and that His grace was, indeed, sufficient.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
One of the guys that lived in the apartment complex I lived in started flirting with me. I considered him for all of two minutes. He was broke all the time, obviously uneducated, and drunk all the time, and didn’t know what a real date was, leaving me to believe he was only after sex. There was no way I was gonna give in to that. I was far from desperate. My days of “settling” just to “have” were over. I was learning how well and how eager God was to provide.
I soon got in touch with an old flame, and he asked me if he could take me to dinner one night. I said, “Sure, that sounds great!” I was excited about being able speak to him after over a decade of lost communication with him.
We went to a restaurant that I had never been to, and I know I talked his ears off about how everything seemed to be working out for me as of late. We were two old friends playing catch up.
Then, as he got on the road to take me home, he asked me the dreaded question, “Would you like to come to my place?”
I took a deep breath, and against my better judgment, I said, “Sure, why not.”
Why, oh why, had I done that? After the last two months of finding myself so happy in a relationship with the Father that I had never really had before, and now I did what was so blatantly against all my Father wanted for me…
I felt as if my greatest weakness has been discovered and uncovered.
We went back to his place, and everything was clumsy and wrong. I knew it, and he knew it, and I knew my Father knew it. I felt as if God were a peeping Tom, watching my every move through the window.
When I returned home that night, I felt ashamed. My first reaction was to sweep it under the rug and act as if it didn’t happen. Later, I felt even more ashamed, and distant from the Father, which made me feel even more angry at myself because I knew why, and had no one to blame but myself.
And, it didn’t help that God was still blessing me from afar, though I didn’t deserve it.
Then I heard the small, still voice of the Lord speaking to my heart:
Romans 5:8
“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
I dropped to my knees, and through my tears I told the Lord I was so sorry, and I begged Him to help me have the strength not to let it happen again. Nothing on earth I could go through was worth getting between me and the love of my Father in Heaven.
I spent the next several months doing and saying all the right things, but inside I was having to carefully rebuild the relationship I had with my Holy Father, and I waited for the feel of arms around me once again. I knew that I had done wrong, and I knew that I deserved the test that He was putting me through because of it.
It was a test that I was determined to pass from then on.
It would have been so easy to keep it swept under the rug and ignore the guilt, admitting the impossibility of being perfect. However, guilt that is ignored, as I have learned, was still there to look at, blocking the refreshing relationship that I had come to enjoy with my Saviour. I didn’t want it there, and, in my mind, I had to make sure God knew I had truly repented.
Then, one day, I found a video from Matthew C. Butler, the pastor of my church, as if it had just appeared out of nowhere. It was a song he wrote, and a video he created to go with it. It was called, “He Took My Nails”. It was God speaking to me, loud and clear…
“Shonda, I knew you weren’t going to be perfect when I chose you. I love you, anyway. All I have done for you, I did it in spite of who you aren’t. I did it with the knowledge of who you are going to be. I love you, anyway.”
As I watched that video, I felt God’s arms around me once again. There, alone, in my apartment, I raised my hands, and through my tears, I praised Him!
It was quite a while later, when I least expected it, when my friend let me know he was going to be available to see me again for another possible date through a private social media message. I responded to his message saying that I was not available for the visit, but I appreciated his notice and to keep in touch.
I realized, at that point, that God’s strength was enough to sustain me, and that His grace was, indeed, sufficient.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
